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(no subject)
Jun. 23rd, 2026 01:18 amSometimes I wonder... if the reason why I run away from people is because it breaks the idea that I'm an unlikable person that doesn't deserve love and the idea that someone actually likes me and wants to be around me goes against everything I've built on my mind for years.
I was reading how depression makes people who are depressed start avoiding the people that care for them or just shut them out because they think they don't deserve love. Which... oof. Yeah. Those are my feelings. Those have been my feelings since I was a child and every rejection would confirm what I always thought, that I was unlikeable and that I didn't deserve the love. Yeah, rough stuff.
This is a mentality I'm trying to get out of. That I deserve love. That I deserve friendship and companionship and the fact that people are around me is because I'm a good person who can make mistakes but still someone who deserves love. Yeah.
I was reading how depression makes people who are depressed start avoiding the people that care for them or just shut them out because they think they don't deserve love. Which... oof. Yeah. Those are my feelings. Those have been my feelings since I was a child and every rejection would confirm what I always thought, that I was unlikeable and that I didn't deserve the love. Yeah, rough stuff.
This is a mentality I'm trying to get out of. That I deserve love. That I deserve friendship and companionship and the fact that people are around me is because I'm a good person who can make mistakes but still someone who deserves love. Yeah.
(no subject)
May. 22nd, 2026 12:40 amSometimes I think doing the right thing by others is just hurtful in the long run and no one appreciates the time and effort you put into it. So maybe I should start doing the wrong things? Maybe that way I will stop getting constantly hurt over and over.
Yeah, Mets give it a try. Let's do the wrong things.
Yeah, Mets give it a try. Let's do the wrong things.
(no subject)
Mar. 23rd, 2026 04:33 pmMmmh I've been thinking this but maybe I'm not the target audience for HSR. Lately I've been feeling that way. I'm not enjoying the game, I'm not enjoying the story and I'm not enjoying the characters. Haven't even done the new story because every time I think of doing it my brain just slogs through it. Maybe once my 30 day pass ends I'll take a long break from the game. Was gonna do it later but. Sigh.
(no subject)
Mar. 22nd, 2026 03:40 pmSomehow in the span of two days a lot of bad things happened and honestly I'm at a point where I'm so broken down by everything that, even if a comet changed course and hit my place, it would still be the most normal thing to happen.
1. So basically some crazy vitvh doxxd my workplace, accused us of killing cats (WTF??????) and posted names, home addresses and phone numbers.
2. A commission we where meant to have wasn't fully paid because if things relating to the other party and we dont have control over it.
Etc, etc, etc,.....
I tried to talk to my family and even my therapist and was basically dismissed by everyone.
What hurts the most is when you don't feel like you have a support system, so even if you are surrounded by people, you're still somehow alone...
1. So basically some crazy vitvh doxxd my workplace, accused us of killing cats (WTF??????) and posted names, home addresses and phone numbers.
2. A commission we where meant to have wasn't fully paid because if things relating to the other party and we dont have control over it.
Etc, etc, etc,.....
I tried to talk to my family and even my therapist and was basically dismissed by everyone.
What hurts the most is when you don't feel like you have a support system, so even if you are surrounded by people, you're still somehow alone...
(no subject)
Mar. 17th, 2026 10:58 pmI forgot how absolutely gay KuroBas was like holy cow Kuroko and Kagami already imprinting on each other, Kise being a home wrecker and I'm barely on EPISODE 5! Good Lord, I don't even like basketball but I'm throughly entertained by it.
Will continue watching ugh I'm being fed nom nom nom delicious fujobait~
I'll continue watching while editing fic heehee~*°
Will continue watching ugh I'm being fed nom nom nom delicious fujobait~
I'll continue watching while editing fic heehee~*°
(no subject)
Mar. 11th, 2026 09:28 pmRepost from my twt but: I was cooking and burned my fingers with oil. And then I stuck my fingers inside my mouth and burned my mouth. So if you ever feel like an oaf just remember I'm still out there being a menace to myself.
I just wanted to write it down and maybe add it to a fic or leave the idea out there for people to grab because my stupidity is meant to be shared with the world.
Honestly I feel like people have muted me on twitter or twitter has marked my account as spam or I have angered my moots because I haven't gotten much interaction. u_u Welp, it is what it is. Woe is me and all that. I do sometimes feel like people are scared of talking to me ngl and it kinda weirds me out. Like bestie, I am human too and a very dumb one sometimes. But you can talk to me. I'll do the best of my anxiety to reply aaahh...
And yes, my fingers and my tongue still hurt a bit.
I just wanted to write it down and maybe add it to a fic or leave the idea out there for people to grab because my stupidity is meant to be shared with the world.
Honestly I feel like people have muted me on twitter or twitter has marked my account as spam or I have angered my moots because I haven't gotten much interaction. u_u Welp, it is what it is. Woe is me and all that. I do sometimes feel like people are scared of talking to me ngl and it kinda weirds me out. Like bestie, I am human too and a very dumb one sometimes. But you can talk to me. I'll do the best of my anxiety to reply aaahh...
And yes, my fingers and my tongue still hurt a bit.
(no subject)
Mar. 10th, 2026 12:08 amI'm currently of two minds about my fic:
1. What if it's not something people are expecting (even if it's a rare ship)
and
2. I don't care who reads it, I just want to write my rare ship
And also
3. I could literally change the names to the most popular ship in fandom and will have a bigger audience, more support and more confidence in publishing it....
But it wont be my rare ship....... Ah, I wish I had someone give me advice. :'( SOMEONE GIVE ME ADVICE!!!!
The funny thing is that I like the popular ship in fandom so it wouldn't be a big deal changing the names and the story. Maybe even easier. But... :( I don't know what to do.
I think, more than a rare ship or a popular ship, what I'm looking for is a sense of security. That what i'm doing is not a bad thing or something. Oh, the childhood trauma rearing it's ugly head again. sigh.
1. What if it's not something people are expecting (even if it's a rare ship)
and
2. I don't care who reads it, I just want to write my rare ship
And also
3. I could literally change the names to the most popular ship in fandom and will have a bigger audience, more support and more confidence in publishing it....
But it wont be my rare ship....... Ah, I wish I had someone give me advice. :'( SOMEONE GIVE ME ADVICE!!!!
The funny thing is that I like the popular ship in fandom so it wouldn't be a big deal changing the names and the story. Maybe even easier. But... :( I don't know what to do.
I think, more than a rare ship or a popular ship, what I'm looking for is a sense of security. That what i'm doing is not a bad thing or something. Oh, the childhood trauma rearing it's ugly head again. sigh.
(no subject)
Mar. 9th, 2026 02:50 pmJust had my first "Karen" at work (apologies to all the Karens in the world) and all I could think was "wow, I'm so adding this to my fic".
Her greatest hits:
"I pay your salary"
"Don't you have a time set on your contract?"
"You only work x amount of hours"
"They would treat me better in other places"
Also according to coworkers, the woman was marching quite angry towards my office and they all just looked horrified. After everything went down they asked me if I was ok. I'm gonna be honest, I was genuinely tired and was paying half-mind to what she was saying so rather than being angry or offended I just wanted for her to leave my office. She was also obviously looking for a fight and in those cases it's best to keep your answers short.
ANYWAY YEAH, NEW PHRASES FOR MY FUTURE FICS! HELL YEAH!
Her greatest hits:
"I pay your salary"
"Don't you have a time set on your contract?"
"You only work x amount of hours"
"They would treat me better in other places"
Also according to coworkers, the woman was marching quite angry towards my office and they all just looked horrified. After everything went down they asked me if I was ok. I'm gonna be honest, I was genuinely tired and was paying half-mind to what she was saying so rather than being angry or offended I just wanted for her to leave my office. She was also obviously looking for a fight and in those cases it's best to keep your answers short.
ANYWAY YEAH, NEW PHRASES FOR MY FUTURE FICS! HELL YEAH!
(no subject)
Jan. 25th, 2026 12:32 pmNgl I was just thinking how I was growing old and how at 30+ in fandoms you're seen as weird but then remembered... that the best way to enage with fandom is to have a small group of friends to stick with and not engage with fandom at large because there are toxic people out there who's only contribution is to bring down others to make themselves feel better and it's like...
do I really want to live a life like that? Even if I enjoy things by myself... And yes, it gets lonely but also? It's not like with or without people around it's gonna change much, ya know?
So better... just.... enjoy myself... regardless of how I feel... nothing will change unless I change myself, right? Also commas, what is that?
I wonder if you can change your mood set to a custom set, btw. :|a Or is it a paid feature mh...
I DO want more fandom friends, tho. Just casual friendship is fine even if we don't share the same fandoms I can get into series and stuff quite easily. I JUST WANT TO RELAAAAAAAAAAAAX!!!!!
do I really want to live a life like that? Even if I enjoy things by myself... And yes, it gets lonely but also? It's not like with or without people around it's gonna change much, ya know?
So better... just.... enjoy myself... regardless of how I feel... nothing will change unless I change myself, right? Also commas, what is that?
I wonder if you can change your mood set to a custom set, btw. :|a Or is it a paid feature mh...
I DO want more fandom friends, tho. Just casual friendship is fine even if we don't share the same fandoms I can get into series and stuff quite easily. I JUST WANT TO RELAAAAAAAAAAAAX!!!!!
(no subject)
Jan. 21st, 2026 01:33 pmTIL hobbies are emotional regulators and are mean to help your anxiety from going overboard.
I've been feeling a lot of guilt and doubts about having certain hobbies (manga, bl, writing, drawing, etc) and the idea of leaving them was actually causing me to get my anxiety go overboard. Oh the irony. I'm still regulating myself and will try to work on not feeling guilty about thong I enjoy. It sounds silly, but it's something important to me.
I was reading a reddit comment that really hit me:
<lj-cut text="tldr> "I've always related to Andersen's little mermaid. It remains my very favourite fairy tale and I'm fascinated by many versions of that story. (Rusalka is also my favourite opera). I loved the Disney one as a kid but not now. The message of that version is too shallow for me. Andersen's tale is deeply spiritual. It's also about the incompatibility of who you really are and what is expected of you. It is also about love, but not necessarily just in the romantic sense. (I'd even argue that Ariel isn't about love, just about infatuation and a bratty teenager getting her will. Yes there's more to that, the longing for the human world was there before the prince. But still.) Yes, Andersen's little mermaid had romantic feelings for the Prince. But her love has several layers and is deep enough for her to refuse to hurt him for any reason. And do enough to accept not being chosen. Which is why I'm the end her original longing for an immortal soul can become reality and she can be truly happy without the prince. But not every version is that optimistic either. In most versions, I think, being rejected by the prince actually means she is damned/cursed." (I'll source when I'm on my PC bc my phone won't let me) But it hit me hard. Cutting parts of yourself to really fit in. That hurts.
I've been feeling a lot of guilt and doubts about having certain hobbies (manga, bl, writing, drawing, etc) and the idea of leaving them was actually causing me to get my anxiety go overboard. Oh the irony. I'm still regulating myself and will try to work on not feeling guilty about thong I enjoy. It sounds silly, but it's something important to me.
I was reading a reddit comment that really hit me:
<lj-cut text="tldr> "I've always related to Andersen's little mermaid. It remains my very favourite fairy tale and I'm fascinated by many versions of that story. (Rusalka is also my favourite opera). I loved the Disney one as a kid but not now. The message of that version is too shallow for me. Andersen's tale is deeply spiritual. It's also about the incompatibility of who you really are and what is expected of you. It is also about love, but not necessarily just in the romantic sense. (I'd even argue that Ariel isn't about love, just about infatuation and a bratty teenager getting her will. Yes there's more to that, the longing for the human world was there before the prince. But still.) Yes, Andersen's little mermaid had romantic feelings for the Prince. But her love has several layers and is deep enough for her to refuse to hurt him for any reason. And do enough to accept not being chosen. Which is why I'm the end her original longing for an immortal soul can become reality and she can be truly happy without the prince. But not every version is that optimistic either. In most versions, I think, being rejected by the prince actually means she is damned/cursed." (I'll source when I'm on my PC bc my phone won't let me) But it hit me hard. Cutting parts of yourself to really fit in. That hurts.
I'm more depressed at the idea that, at the tender age of [redacted] I'm still into weeb stuff, unmarried, no kids and wondering if I will ever find love, get married, pop out a kid or two and be succesful instead of being... well, me.
Also I hate my melancholic self. Like, holy crap, dude. There is so much sadness I can handle before I want to pop myself ugh. Guess people will have to like me for my personality, now. U_U
God, why did you make me a weeb? Why can't I be a normal person?
Also I hate my melancholic self. Like, holy crap, dude. There is so much sadness I can handle before I want to pop myself ugh. Guess people will have to like me for my personality, now. U_U
God, why did you make me a weeb? Why can't I be a normal person?
(no subject)
Jan. 18th, 2026 05:14 pmDepression feels like... the sense of dread feels bigger than your sense of self.
How easily you can get lost in that feeling to the point where you forget your real personality because the voices outside are telling you how unworthy you are.
Ngl I've been trying to step away from online spaces because I feel like those voices grow louder when I'm online vs when I'm not. Being on the internet, getting lost in wikipedia pages or reading random articles or discussion online used to be a comfort to me. But now that it's popular I hate it. You're expected to be online 24/7, be up to date with things and if you didn't get at the right moment then lol sucks to be you. Being online went from an escapism to being another chore ugh.
Anyway yeah. I'm trying to be less online now. Do more reading (still reading TGFC) when I can, gardening or just sitting alone by the window with my thoughts. It sucks but I'm dealing.
How easily you can get lost in that feeling to the point where you forget your real personality because the voices outside are telling you how unworthy you are.
Ngl I've been trying to step away from online spaces because I feel like those voices grow louder when I'm online vs when I'm not. Being on the internet, getting lost in wikipedia pages or reading random articles or discussion online used to be a comfort to me. But now that it's popular I hate it. You're expected to be online 24/7, be up to date with things and if you didn't get at the right moment then lol sucks to be you. Being online went from an escapism to being another chore ugh.
Anyway yeah. I'm trying to be less online now. Do more reading (still reading TGFC) when I can, gardening or just sitting alone by the window with my thoughts. It sucks but I'm dealing.
