Kafkaesque with a touch of burlesque!

I was reminiscing about stuff and how it constantly feels like I can't have anything that cheers me up because otherwise I have to pay the price. What screwed up law of the universe has me like this? Can't have one thing.

I think it's a good idea to maybe just... start walking away from stuff. Respect myself a little more.

Sometimes I wonder... if the reason why I run away from people is because it breaks the idea that I'm an unlikable person that doesn't deserve love and the idea that someone actually likes me and wants to be around me goes against everything I've built on my mind for years.

I was reading how depression makes people who are depressed start avoiding the people that care for them or just shut them out because they think they don't deserve love. Which... oof. Yeah. Those are my feelings. Those have been my feelings since I was a child and every rejection would confirm what I always thought, that I was unlikeable and that I didn't deserve the love. Yeah, rough stuff.

This is a mentality I'm trying to get out of. That I deserve love. That I deserve friendship and companionship and the fact that people are around me is because I'm a good person who can make mistakes but still someone who deserves love. Yeah.

"Perhaps it is in my best interest to take a break from fandom because it feels like I'm forcing myself to be happy when I'm really not." and then proceed to not know what to do.

What do I do now?

Somehow in the span of two days a lot of bad things happened and honestly I'm at a point where I'm so broken down by everything that, even if a comet changed course and hit my place, it would still be the most normal thing to happen.

1. So basically some crazy vitvh doxxd my workplace, accused us of killing cats (WTF??????) and posted names, home addresses and phone numbers.

2. A commission we where meant to have wasn't fully paid because if things relating to the other party and we dont have control over it.

Etc, etc, etc,.....


I tried to talk to my family and even my therapist and was basically dismissed by everyone.

What hurts the most is when you don't feel like you have a support system, so even if you are surrounded by people, you're still somehow alone...

Sigh

I'm currently of two minds about my fic:

1. What if it's not something people are expecting (even if it's a rare ship)

and

2. I don't care who reads it, I just want to write my rare ship

And also

3. I could literally change the names to the most popular ship in fandom and will have a bigger audience, more support and more confidence in publishing it....

But it wont be my rare ship....... Ah, I wish I had someone give me advice. :'( SOMEONE GIVE ME ADVICE!!!!

The funny thing is that I like the popular ship in fandom so it wouldn't be a big deal changing the names and the story. Maybe even easier. But... :( I don't know what to do.

I think, more than a rare ship or a popular ship, what I'm looking for is a sense of security. That what i'm doing is not a bad thing or something. Oh, the childhood trauma rearing it's ugly head again. sigh.

I'm thinking of posting my fics here as a way to encourage myself to post them on AO3. They'll absolutely be WIPs and I'll have editing them until I'm satisfied, but I don't want them to be rotting in muñy PC be sure I'm to afraid to post them.

My sadness slowly morphing into rage be like

TIL hobbies are emotional regulators and are mean to help your anxiety from going overboard.

I've been feeling a lot of guilt and doubts about having certain hobbies (manga, bl, writing, drawing, etc) and the idea of leaving them was actually causing me to get my anxiety go overboard. Oh the irony. I'm still regulating myself and will try to work on not feeling guilty about thong I enjoy. It sounds silly, but it's something important to me.

I was reading a reddit comment that really hit me:
<lj-cut text="tldr> "I've always related to Andersen's little mermaid. It remains my very favourite fairy tale and I'm fascinated by many versions of that story. (Rusalka is also my favourite opera). I loved the Disney one as a kid but not now. The message of that version is too shallow for me. Andersen's tale is deeply spiritual. It's also about the incompatibility of who you really are and what is expected of you. It is also about love, but not necessarily just in the romantic sense. (I'd even argue that Ariel isn't about love, just about infatuation and a bratty teenager getting her will. Yes there's more to that, the longing for the human world was there before the prince. But still.) Yes, Andersen's little mermaid had romantic feelings for the Prince. But her love has several layers and is deep enough for her to refuse to hurt him for any reason. And do enough to accept not being chosen. Which is why I'm the end her original longing for an immortal soul can become reality and she can be truly happy without the prince. But not every version is that optimistic either. In most versions, I think, being rejected by the prince actually means she is damned/cursed." (I'll source when I'm on my PC bc my phone won't let me) But it hit me hard. Cutting parts of yourself to really fit in. That hurts.